The parade was fun. Dressing up and walking like a mile screaming at the top of our lungs. We got the spirit award. makes me think of bring it on and the "spirit stick"... i swear i dropped it...

Then came the game, It was fun at first. I sat w/ bethany and then we decided to see smeeter's bf... he was sitting with this guy who plays hockey so i asked him if he knew my bf, told him all about vince and hockey, etc. Then we went to gte water, then we decided to visit tink, so we visited her and we found out that 1. randy wasnt there (thank god) and 2. chetan was. So we went on the LR side and looked for chetan, found emily n some girl who remembers me from middle school, but we dont know why. So we talked to them for a while n found out chetan was on the HHS side. so we went back to our side, were told chetan was back on LR side, went back on LR side. Saw tink again, she gave me her furry animal for my hair. Its purple n fluffy! So i put it in my hair and bethnay pulled it out so i chased her n monika around the track. Then we went back to tink and i got the hair thing back. then vince called n finally.. by the 3rd quarter i found chetan!!!! then i talked to vince some more, but yea, i was sad, so i called bethany n told her i was heading out, said goodbye to cliff, gave chetan tinks hair thing to give to her, and i left. oh, and lots of ppl were crying b/c some people got in a car accident, one died and the other 2 r in shock trauma or somethin, i dont realli know them but i know of them. I hope they're ok.... we're doing dinner in 2 hours... then bowling...then i come home n call vince as always... and sleep and work 2morrow. I realli dont wanna go out tonite. I dont know why im so sad all of a sudden, but i am... well, i have an idea why, but... i dont wanna discuss it...

guess what.. i fucked up.. again. Things never ever to do: buy a hamster that you decide signifies your relationship with your boyfriend... especially when you cant keep lil rodents alive. The thing acts like a voodoo doll that you have no control over. Think about it. i buy almond n bring her home, vince comes home. Almond runs away, vince leaves. Almond gets hurt.. vince is in the hospital w/ a concussion. Almond dies (RIP, i love you)... and yea...

I love him so much. I really do. I dont wanna lose him. I was trying not to lose him. I know im being bitchy. I know i am. And im trying so hard not to be. But i just am. Im sad. Really sad, and i dont know why. Really scared (i told him.. 6 months.. i was gonna freak out... i did...) And I know he doesnt have time to deal w/ me, he's stressed. So I dont tell him exactly how sad i am, or how scared. And he made me tell him. And yea, i dont like him knowing how i feel, i feel realli vulnerable now. And I didnt want him to know. So I was stupid n said he's annoying. he's not annoying. if hed read the whole thing it says right after that "he's not doing anything wrong."  He's not. Im being stupid. I just want him to know this so he stops being so worried. But i fucked up.... and now im scared im gonna lose him... just like almond...

But to say the things he said in his xnga was mean. Ive always tried to help him, sorry if im not good enough... sorry if im not enough help... sorry if i dont appreciate him... i do appreciate him. I know what he does for me and im sorry if i seem ungrateful, i dont mean to be. I know hes stressed n im trying not to add more stress, but i guess im not doing that good enough.

I cant lose him. He's all i have. all i care about. all i want, need, and love. Every paper i wrote on my future... yea, it all involved him. he's the only thing im sure about right now. i know i want him for the rest of my life and im so scared i just fucked that up. And im scared to love him this much b/c i knew i was gonna fuck up. And i knew something would happen. and i allowed myself to fall in love with him. real love. forever and always love. This weekend, i fell so hard for him. and i had that for all of 5 days.... just like almond....and then i screwed up... and its gone...

and i wanna kill myself. ive been thinking about drinking like the entire thing of bleach b/c i swore id stop taking pills n cutting. And I cant do that b/c i dont know if its over yet or not. I dont know whats happening. But im so scared. I just want him to come home. He wanted to know exactly what i want from him. I want him to come home. I want him to love me for the rest of forever. I want him to take care of me, and to let me take care of him. I want to love him. Thats what i want. and i know its selfish for me to want him to come home b/c it might not be the best thing for him, but im scared im gonna lose him if he stays there. im not doing so well with the long distance thing. i miss him so much. I want him to come home. thats all i want. i want my vince back. i want him to be able to hug me and kiss me and hold me when im crying like i am now. i want to talk to him and walk around the mall and watch all the people. i want him back in maryland. i dont care about anything else. i just want him to love me and to come back home. and i dont wanna lose him. I cant lose him... i'd lose myself, too. I love vince.... and im so sorry i hurt him, i swear im gonna try even more if he doesnt break up with me this time... and eventually after a few more tries, maybe i'll learn to stop doing stupid things and hurting him? or maybe thats just not possible...

6 months 2day... thats a really long time....

Im realli bitchy 2day, like everything annoys me.. like i cant stand anything at all. Vince has annoyed me all week, and its not like hes doing anything wrong, im just being bitchy. I think im just pmsing... i hope so at least...

Im realli stressed out, i swear teahers r trying to make me panic. In leadership we had to write a paper on our future and we had a guest speaker on how important college is n how you have to be prepared. And in psychology we wrote about our furtures, and in english the guidance counselor came in to talk about college. I was realli upset yesterday n vince made me tell him... he doesnt understand thought... he doesnt understand much right now b/c me n him r entirely different people when it comes to what we did in high school.

Homecomings tomorrow. unfortunately, i didnt get a ticket so im not going. im kinda happy b/c i didnt realli wanna go, but it is junior year and i kinda wish i was going.

yea, well, vince is in class n then he's got stuff 2 do tonite. im stuck babysitting and being bored outta my mind. Feel free to call... actually, dont bother... im in a really bitchy mood now. I wish id gotten that quote. The "Buon gorno la princessa" one that was in our hallway. I realli wanted it. Im gonna like cry... i wanted it so badly... whats the point in having romance as our theme when i feel everything but romantic....

happy anniversary to me.... and vince i suppose since it is our anniversary....